i'm signing you up for texting rehab
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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