there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
