life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
