I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
