Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
