i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
