I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
