haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
