anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
