my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
