I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
