i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
