She tied me up with her honor cords...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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