Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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