If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
