I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
its liver damage thursday
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