You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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