My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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