I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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