u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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