I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
