Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
