we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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