I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
