I just pynch a tree in the face
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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