The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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