Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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