Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
