Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
