Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
