I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
