Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
