We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
