If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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