I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
