I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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