winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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