Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
