I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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