I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
