How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
