thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
