I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
