watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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