Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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