Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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