Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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