my mouth tastes like poor choices
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
