its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
