he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
