I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
